I am so emotionally and physically drained right now. I just cried out every last tear. I'm still in love with Big no matter what I do and I hate it. I have finally gotten to that point where I think I need to separate myself from him completely, because ultimately we are too destructive to each other. We have that kind of toxic, crazy, undescribable love that makes you insane. It's not healthy and I can't do it anymore. I can't hold onto something that has no future. Despite all of his faults I would be more than content to know that I could spend the rest of my life with this man. We are both to afraid to make it happen, so I'm giving him an ultimatim. I know I will lose him through this and it's going to kill me at first, but I will be okay. When he breaks my heart for the last time I will get rid of everything that reminds me of him and block him from my life. It will be final this time. No going back.
I'm trying so desperately to love someone else. I've realized this is what all of my frivolous relationships have been about. It's what everything I do is about, apparently. I'm tired of him ruling my life. I need to be free from this emotional abuse.
It's not fair to anyone, especially me to continue on like this.
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