If I am completely honest with myself, for the first time in a long time I am not in love - romantic love that is... I am not constantly thinking about any one person and thanks to a lot of time and realization I know that I am over Scott. I watched 500 Days of Summer last night and finally understood our relationship. Since our breakup the only thing that I have remembered has consisted of the good time solely. I remembered all of the bad times last night and realized why I broke up with him in the first place. I am so happy to go into 2010 with a clean, clear, conscious. I want something new out of this next year. I will not hold onto anything old. Good riddance!
I am saying goodbye to 2009 and all of the drama that has gone with this year! It has been a roller coaster ride from start to finish and I am proud to save that I have survived! This has been a year of firsts, loss, explorations, love, and erratic behavior. I know 2010 is going to be even better and I am excited to start fresh!
Thursday, December 31
Wednesday, December 30
Ashley Elaine
It's been a week today since the funeral. I have to fess up to myself and my diary about Ashley. Here was the eulogy I wrote for her and read at her funeral. She died on December 18, 2009. I never realized that drunk driving would touch me so close. I now have to figure out how to become an advocate to stop this violence that could have prevented my best friend from dying.
Anyone that truly knew Ashley, knew that she hated to be the center of attention. The only thing that I can think of during this whole mess, is that she would hate everyone making such a fuss about her. I can hear her in my head, as clear as if she were standing to next to me, saying to talk about something else. This is part of what made our relationship work. From the very first time I met her, I loved that she was a good listener. I’m a talker and I certainly have no problem carrying on a conversation by myself, so knowing that Ash was on the other line was perfect. I remember the first time I met her, seven years ago. Freshman year, the first day of high school, I walked into biology and looked for an empty seat next to someone I thought I could talk to. I introduced myself and before Ashley had a chance to runaway I had found my new best friend and confidant. She sat there patiently and gave me that look, I became accustomed to, where I knew she thought I was crazy. I miss that look.
Ashley was more than my best friend, she was the only sister I have ever had. We had something that seemed complicated to other people, but came natural to us. We were complete opposites, that couldn’t agree on anything simple, but in the long run, we knew we were there for each other, because somehow God decided that we were un-biological family. We could go days, weeks even, without talking and pick up where we left off. We were the only ones that could call each other out on our mistakes and still want to aggravate each other... I wore black nail polish for a solid month after Ashley told me I couldn’t pull it off. She would look at my hands and shake her head.
Ashley got me to take risks. I rode a roller coaster for the first time without fear with her, because she promised me she would talk me through the entire process. She did, almost. She ended up giggling the entire way, which made me do the same, and over the course of one day we conquered our fears. I’m not sure what I’m going to do without her pushing my buttons and making me try things that scare me. Although I guess I’m doing something that scares me right now, life without Ashley.
Ashley was the most stubborn and determined person I ever met. She could read a 3000 page book in a day if she decided she was interested in, because eating and sleeping weren’t as important as the next science fiction trilogy, in which she was engrossed. She never took the easy way out or tried to be conventional. Ashley was over for dinner one night and when my parents asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, she replied a volcanologist. After much discussion over how this was not in any way related to Star Trek, we were convinced that rocks were this girl’s passion. This is inevitably how I see Ashley. She was able to take something ordinary and make it extraordinary and interesting. Don’t get me wrong, many times she lost me in her talks about the classification of certain geological specimens, but there was no denying how passionate she was about the things she loved.
Ashley may not be with us physically today, but I have no doubt in my mind where she is. Ashley Elaine Forsythe is in heaven. There was one thing that she was more in love with than rocks and books, her faith. She was a strong Christian, that taught me how to trust more fully and completely. Ashley changed my life forever. I will miss her everyday of my life and I am thankful for every moment I had with her. She will not be forgotten.
The one thing that everyone always mentioned was her smile. I’m not sure how many people realize this, but on one of the closet doors in her bedroom she has a sticker that she would look at everyday - ‘siempre sonrisas’, ‘always smile’. And I can’t get this song out of my head as I think about her, because I know this is what she would want us to do.
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
FASHION LOVE
Michael Kors needs to adopt me... better yet Tim Gunn needs to adopt me and Michael needs to make me his lover... Here are highlights from his 2010 fall line!!!
TREND ALERT FOR SPRING 2010! TIE - DYE!
TREND ALERT FOR SPRING 2010! TIE - DYE!
Tuesday, December 29
Messing with my head...
I've decided I could never be with someone with the following characteristics:
1. Hates clueless
2. Has ugly couch
3. Where ridiculously ugly clothes
4. Does not ask me out first
5. No gumption
6. Not Christian (Should be first)
7. Lies to me
8. Calls me snookums, darling, honey, sweetie, sweetie pie, love, baby, babe, etc.
9. Cheats on me
10. Cheated on others
11. Cheated on others with me
12. Calls himself a rockstar
13. Thinks he's a rockstar
14. Likes movies that are in fact completely disturbing; V, Repo, Crow
15. Named Scott, Chris, David, Brian, Zack, Keenan, etc.
16. Thinks facebook is the perfect first date.
17. Has met every date he's every had on facebook.
18. Talks to his exes
19. Mean to his exes
20. Says the F word like it's his only adjective
21. Addicted to anything illegal, partially illegal, or something that requires a restraining order
1. Hates clueless
2. Has ugly couch
3. Where ridiculously ugly clothes
4. Does not ask me out first
5. No gumption
6. Not Christian (Should be first)
7. Lies to me
8. Calls me snookums, darling, honey, sweetie, sweetie pie, love, baby, babe, etc.
9. Cheats on me
10. Cheated on others
11. Cheated on others with me
12. Calls himself a rockstar
13. Thinks he's a rockstar
14. Likes movies that are in fact completely disturbing; V, Repo, Crow
15. Named Scott, Chris, David, Brian, Zack, Keenan, etc.
16. Thinks facebook is the perfect first date.
17. Has met every date he's every had on facebook.
18. Talks to his exes
19. Mean to his exes
20. Says the F word like it's his only adjective
21. Addicted to anything illegal, partially illegal, or something that requires a restraining order
Pink Guitar
When did the opening line of 'wanna f***" become a suitable pick up for men to use on women? Not once or twice, but three times has this happened tonight to me in the course of four non-consec hours checking facebook. Yes, these were complete strangers that added me and I accepted, but whatever happened to foreplay or I don't know... something as cliche and passe as introducing yourself?! I know I'm not going to meet my soul mate through internet dating, but come on is a little common decency and lack of raunch too much to ask? Yes, I like this sometimes, but not this blunt. I'm sorry boys, but the entire enticement of the cowboy is that he made me wait and work for a little dirty talk. Now, I can't get him to shut up. Problem 2.
Problem 3 lonely boy is back with the ex. Again. Leaving my back up plan to go down the toilet.
Problem 4 the engaged mormon is MIA for the gazillionth time, not that I still care or so I tell myself. Even if I do still check every form of communication in hopes that he tries to make some sort of human contact...
Problem 5 it is has been goodness knows how long since I've had a cigarette. The opened pack of temptation hidden in my car dashboard is literally screaming at me!
Problem 6 I am trying to update my iPod touch. May need to break down and buy one with bigger memory... we've had a good two years, but now I have accumulated too much.
Problem 7 No New Years Eve date... single girl again at midnight? Shit. No kiss? No chance. Fuck. Will most likely stay home like some Bridget Jones Pre-Mark and prick Daniel lonely spinister with closest thing to cat, Maggey the dog. Oh and family... nothing like ringing in the new year with wii marathons, my mom and aunt, and my three non-biological relatives. Another bloody year, another bloody new start.
So today I got up at 6... in the morning! I had to take Joyce to the doctors. It still seems crazy that Ashley isn't here. I could feel her with us all day. I'm glad I could be there for her. I'm going to lose it if someone tells me again how brave I've been through this whole thing and if he doesn't finally remember to call and check on me...
Oh and btw... in love with the new song 'Pink Guitar' by the fabbbbbbbbbbby Reba. The lyrics were literally written for me... they had to be!
Speaking of guitars... the new black electric with the pearl design is amazing! My fingers are killing me!
Verse 1:
She saw it in the window, just a callin’ out her name.
She mowed the grass, took out the trash and saved, saved, saved.
She bought it on a Monday, had a gig on Friday night.
In the garage, in front of her mom, she came alive!
Chorus:
She likes to play, she loves to rock.
Yeah, she's closer to the bottom but she's headed for the top.
She's got a dream to be a star dressed in black like Johnny Cash, with a pink guitar.
Verse 2:
No, she didn't go to college, she just up and hit the road.
Where ever they were jamming she would go go go.
And every single hole in the wall from here to Shreveport, she’d have them in the palm of her hands, screamin’ for more!
Chrous:
She likes to play, she loves to rock!
Yeah, she's closer to the bottom but she's headed for the top.
She's got a dream to be a star dressed in black like Johnny Cash, with a pink guitar.
Some day you’re gonna see her up there on the Opry stage.
And soon you’ll see her hanging there, next to Minnie Pearl's hat, in the country music hall of fame.
She likes to play, she loves to rock!
She's got a dream to be a star.
Chrous:
She likes to play, she loves to rock!
Yeah, she's closer to the bottom but she's headed for the top.
She's got a dream to be a star dressed in black like Johnny Cash, with a pink guitar.
I said a pink guitar.
Oh she’s playin' a pink guitar.
Problem 3 lonely boy is back with the ex. Again. Leaving my back up plan to go down the toilet.
Problem 4 the engaged mormon is MIA for the gazillionth time, not that I still care or so I tell myself. Even if I do still check every form of communication in hopes that he tries to make some sort of human contact...
Problem 5 it is has been goodness knows how long since I've had a cigarette. The opened pack of temptation hidden in my car dashboard is literally screaming at me!
Problem 6 I am trying to update my iPod touch. May need to break down and buy one with bigger memory... we've had a good two years, but now I have accumulated too much.
Problem 7 No New Years Eve date... single girl again at midnight? Shit. No kiss? No chance. Fuck. Will most likely stay home like some Bridget Jones Pre-Mark and prick Daniel lonely spinister with closest thing to cat, Maggey the dog. Oh and family... nothing like ringing in the new year with wii marathons, my mom and aunt, and my three non-biological relatives. Another bloody year, another bloody new start.
So today I got up at 6... in the morning! I had to take Joyce to the doctors. It still seems crazy that Ashley isn't here. I could feel her with us all day. I'm glad I could be there for her. I'm going to lose it if someone tells me again how brave I've been through this whole thing and if he doesn't finally remember to call and check on me...
Oh and btw... in love with the new song 'Pink Guitar' by the fabbbbbbbbbbby Reba. The lyrics were literally written for me... they had to be!
Speaking of guitars... the new black electric with the pearl design is amazing! My fingers are killing me!
Verse 1:
She saw it in the window, just a callin’ out her name.
She mowed the grass, took out the trash and saved, saved, saved.
She bought it on a Monday, had a gig on Friday night.
In the garage, in front of her mom, she came alive!
Chorus:
She likes to play, she loves to rock.
Yeah, she's closer to the bottom but she's headed for the top.
She's got a dream to be a star dressed in black like Johnny Cash, with a pink guitar.
Verse 2:
No, she didn't go to college, she just up and hit the road.
Where ever they were jamming she would go go go.
And every single hole in the wall from here to Shreveport, she’d have them in the palm of her hands, screamin’ for more!
Chrous:
She likes to play, she loves to rock!
Yeah, she's closer to the bottom but she's headed for the top.
She's got a dream to be a star dressed in black like Johnny Cash, with a pink guitar.
Some day you’re gonna see her up there on the Opry stage.
And soon you’ll see her hanging there, next to Minnie Pearl's hat, in the country music hall of fame.
She likes to play, she loves to rock!
She's got a dream to be a star.
Chrous:
She likes to play, she loves to rock!
Yeah, she's closer to the bottom but she's headed for the top.
She's got a dream to be a star dressed in black like Johnny Cash, with a pink guitar.
I said a pink guitar.
Oh she’s playin' a pink guitar.
Monday, December 28
Love & Other Dating Disasters
The cowboy needs to open up. We've spent the past month flirting back and forth and finally the last three days we've made progress. He even confessed his dirty little secret about the dirty little things that he likes in bed. It took him a while to open up and feel comfortable enough to tell me what he really wanted. He was scared I would run away and ended up being completely blunt, which made what he wanted really sexy. It's clear he is not very experienced. The nice guy to the core, he has a closet bondage side - dying to come out. He wants someone that can be a lady in the day time, but a freak in the bedroom. This is ultimately, what Gerard Butler told me in 'The Ugly Truth'. The stripper and the librarian... the only thing a man really wants. I've been granted a little interlude between or sexy dirty encounter, because he 'needed' a few minutes. i.e. He can't type right now, because I've done my job successfully. It's going on 20 minutes.... guess I did good. :P
After confessing that the only thing he wants to do to me is tie me up and take advantage of me - I should be offended, but I'm turned on by the fact that he wants nothing more than to make me his sex slave. It's particularly hot that he doesn't just want dirty conversation. He wants foreplay and seduction, a true story line to the whole scenario. This creates a conundrum in what I've learned men want from a little dirty talk. The cowboy has broadened my horizons and made me want to fly to Nebraska to ride his big green tractor as soon as possible.
I ended up talking to the cowboy tonight, because lonely boy stood me up. Last night we talked and made plans, for a 'no strings' movie night, tonight. However, I texted him once earlier this afternoon and after three texts, he left me with no reply. I was looking forward to our 'non-date'. I decided awhile ago the next time we were both single something would happen... so much for his dependability.
And as for S... well he is now the engaged mormon. No, I did not find this out, because he decided to do the honorable thing and tell me that he proposed the snaggle tooth hag, but because he updated his facebook status. Thankfully, to the chagrin, of not only me, but everyone that loves him. It is official, if he hadn't lost his mind before, he has now completely. The man that I was in love with is gone completely. I don't think he's ever coming back, but has abducted and transformed into someone I don't recognize. It was the day after Ashley died and instead of trying to console me he hammered on about his amazing love life. I gagged and realized that he wasn't the same person anymore. I was set free.
Finally, to the caller. This guy Josh had given me his number months ago. On Christmas day I sent him a text in my mass contact 'Happy Holiday's' outreach and this apparently granted him the need to continuously call me until I answer my phone. He pretended like he didn't know who I was and I played along, calling him 'Sam' when I answered. He thought I dialed a wrong number, but has persisted because my voice sounds 'sexy' and pleads with me to talk to him. However, he's not a texter. I'm not a caller unless I know the person. This is creating a problematic situation...
After my numerous failures, sometimes I'm not sure why I keep trying. Then I remember that feeling, giddy and like I'm stuck on a roller coaster. My nerves are driving me crazy and all of a sudden out of the blue, my stomach drops and I am euphoric as I realize I'm in love and he loves me. I'm watching 'White Christmas' and the song 'Love you didn't do right by me' is playing... it's fitting.
Goodbye for now... cowboy's back and needs some delicate attention...
Tuesday, December 15
I want it that away...
Miranda Lambert - Dead Flowers
I feel like the flowers in this vase He just brought’em home one day Ain’t they beautiful he said They been here in the kitchen And the waters turnin’ gray They’re sittin’ in the vase but now they’re dead Dead flowers I feel like this long string of lights They lit up our whole house on Christmas Day But now it’s January and now the bulbs are all burned out But still they hang, like dead flowers He ain’t feeling anything My love, my hurt, or the sting of this rain I’m living in a hurricane All he can say is man ain’t it such a nice day Yeah yeah I feel like that small string of lights You said we won’t go far but we’re still rollin I look in the rear view and I see dead flowers in the yard And that string of lights they ain’t glowin’ Like dead flowers Like dead flowers He ain’t feeling anything My love, my hurt, or the sting of this rain I’m driving through a hurricane All he can say is man ain’t it such a nice day Hey hey, I guess we’ll just go to waste Like dead flowers Like dead flowers Yea, yea, yea, yea, yea
Edwin McCain - I'll Be
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.
[Chorus:]
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive -- not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
[Chorus]
And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said
[Chorus:]
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
The greatest fan of your life.
...greatest fan of your life.
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.
[Chorus:]
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive -- not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
[Chorus]
And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said
[Chorus:]
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
The greatest fan of your life.
...greatest fan of your life.
2 Days and 3 Cigarettes later
It's been two days again...
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
To me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now
Ooo, baby, I need you now
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
To me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now
Ooo, baby, I need you now
Monday, December 14
In Love with Marc Jacobs New Spring Line!
The best part of Marc Jacob's new line is the tea party feel! With the mix of Russian flare and 60's infusion, it's chic, elegant, and inspiring!
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