Song - God Bless the Broken Road (RASCAL FLATTS), Fallin Apart (AAR)

Cigarettes - 0 (Hoping that doesn't change...)

Why is it that everyone deep down, is so afraid of being alone? Can we not spend honest time with ourselves, without feeling lonely or deprived. Do we really need interaction and coexistence? I have this friend. He is a perpetual relationship addict. Some might say he is desperate or insane, because of how often he falls in love. However, secretly I think that underneath his paranoid anxiety of being alone, he truly just believes in fairy tales. He was someone that was adopted and spent his entire life looking for the family that he felt he justly deserved. He openly tells anyone his life story in attempts to grasp for something real. Throughout his process he thinks that anyone that pays attention to him is ultimately his soul mate. I feel for him, because through his search for someone to love him, I seem someone that is ultimately in everyone. No one wants to be alone. Whether you want to admit it or not, all anyone wants is a happy ending. You don't ask a child what they want and they reply a lonely existence. They want, need, and desire something greater. Yes, he might go about it the wrong way, thinking that he has to fall madly, deeply, uncontrollably in love with every girl he meets, but I admire that he hasn't given up. Despite his many downfalls and heartbreaks.

Maybe this is why people always appear so desperate. Desperation is the greatest sin, in my opinion. Desperation is what leads people to make bad decisions, that change their lives. However minor, they may appear at the time, any desperation is life changing. Today, I am desperate for more time. I am desperate to be the person that I want to be. I am desperate to forget. I could keep going or I could just admit my fault. Desperation is perhaps, my biggest vice. I am always desperate for something. Something firm to hold onto and something that makes me stand out. As someone who has always been blessed with attention, I am nevertheless fighting for more. I cannot imagine not wanting to constantly need more. I wish I could stop, but manic still, I masichistically fight through desperation.

I'm babbling. I know. Sometimes I feel like if I don't say something out loud or write it down, it's going to tear me up inside. It needs to come out. Immediately.