Songs of the Day - No Air (Glee Version), Come Back as a Blonde (Selena Gomez), People Are Crazy (Billy Currington), Rockstar Love (Eminem)
Cigarette Count - 0
Recently, after my first long term relationship ended, I found myself dating again. I hate dating. I truly hate it. I have realized that I stayed with my ex boyfriend as long as I did, not out of love or compassion, but because dating was just too scary. Now, it's not dating itself that I am afraid of. I like to meet new people and if I feel a connection with someone I have no drawbacks at shagging them three hours later. However, it is the shaggables that present the biggest problem. Men. Have you seen the available men, excuse me, boys that are datable? They aren't!!!
Which brings me to my first rant. Chris. I met him this past weekend and we spent most of Sunday night talking. (A little fact: Embaressingly, I met him on facebook... This has become a little addiction of mine that I find easier than actually putting myself out in the real world. Not to say I haven't tried recently, but I find screening them a little easier online than in person...) Anywho...back to Chris. Chris seemed nice, normal, a little geeky, but recently I have been told I need to try and date a different type of guy so I thought - what the hell? He was a self confessed 22 year old virgin, who only wanted sex and love. He did not separate the two and thus, seemed like elusive good guy. Hmmph... right.... So last night he IM's me and asks what I'm doing. I reply that I have just skyped my cousin and he proceeded to ask for my skype address. I figured...what's the harm? I think there may be a chance I could make myself like him, if not romantically, but in a friendly manner. You can't have enough friends, right? So, we trade details and within minutes we are IM'ng on skype. In the meantime he starts to initiate a little dirty talk. I'm a little shocked given our conversation the night before, but I concede, because I'm bored. He 'calls' me a few moments later and I accept. I lied and told him that my roommate (I do not have a roommate....I live at home....white lie #???) was in the room and that I could not turn on my video or sound... He says no problem he just wants to show me something. After I accept the 'call' I realize that he is showing me himself. All 8 inches or so...now erect and blurry thanks to my laptop camera. I am so shocked I don't reply. The 'virgin' has just exposed himself to me...I would like to take the moral high ground and say that I simply signed off skype immediately and stopped speaking to the fool, but in reality, with disgust I typed perversions for his benefit. After 5 minutes or so if him wacking off onto his keyboard I realized that this was not only not making me eroused, but I was feeling dirty and cheap. What has the dating world come to, when you not only degrade yourself by flashing a stranger for attention, but allow someone to flash you, because they told you, you were pretty. I signed off after awkwardly saying goodbye. My mind and heart were racing with disappointment in both myself and the boy that I thought was decent.
When did decency become irrelevant and when did I notice my morals slipping? My 12 year old self would most likely be too disappointed in me to reply. I would not recognize my 'wild' 20 year old, who lacks inhabititions and tests boundaries. Yes, I know this is what I am supposed to be doing right now, but how far is too far? When does experimenting, become a scarring experience?
Last Monday night I decided I was going to buy cigarettes. I had to stop and buy ketchup on my way home for dinner and made an impulse buy at the counter in addition. I chose an Ed Hardy lighter that made me feel hardcore and a pack of cigarettes I recognized from magazine layouts. I texted my two best friends immediately, to plan for the next day's excursion. My cigarette divirginazation. I have always verbalized my dissonance for cigarettes, but secretly wanted to try them down to my core. The next morning, I stood in a park and attempted to light my first as the wind kept blowing out the ash. I could feel rebellion seeping through my veins and I loved the feeling. (During highschool, the craziest thing I did was during junior year, when I skipped school to get starbucks. The skipping continued through my senior year, however, I was not doing drugs or drinking. I was leaving class early for a caffeine jolt.) After the cigarette was successfully lit, after going through two (breaking the first), I inhaled, and much to my excitement, did not cough or choke, but inhaled like a pro. I feel chic and sophisticated, with a touch of angst. We walked around the park and my friends teased me for finally getting on board the teenage rebellion train, 7 years too late. By the end of the day I had smoked two cigarettes and one cigar.
Over the past 8 days I have now smoked an almost entire pack of cigarettes. Granted, I have shared them with the two friends and broken a few. I have already dialed down getting rid of the evidence, hair shine spray (for the smell), mouth wash, hand soap, and lot's of perfume. The only thing I have learned from smoking cigarettes is that, although they make me feel 'cool' for the first two minutes, ultimately I get a headache, severe dizziness, a terrible smell, Lutheran guilt, and Scott remorse.
Which, brings me to Scott. Our entire relationship was a roller coaster, a joke of sorts. Two weeks into knowing him, the middle of March, he told me he loved me. I didn't say it back until mid June, but when I did, I meant it. He disappeared most of May and turned up later in a Florida rehab center. He told me his lies like a second nature. He was frustrating and bugged the hell out of me at times, but ultimately, I fell for his undeniable sweet nature and romantic side. He never made love to me enough and in my mind, he was my first. My first everything. Every relationship, prior to Scott faded away, like they never existed. I never thought I would say, David who? But David, who? is who David became after Scott. Now, I assume that in the coming months Scott will become Scott, who? Or at least I hope he will, because I cannot take him being at the top of my list for much longer.
October 25 I wrote the letter that terminated our relationship. October 26, I spoke to him. I cried, naked in my bathroom, because he called when I was getting out of the shower. It was oddly poetic as I clutched the towel to my naked chest and sobbed and he did not fight for my attention, but released me from my girlfriend duties and told me how wonderful I was. He ultimately made it seem like he broke up with me after I was the one that broke up with him. This left me feeling confused, frustrated, and more in want of him than ever. We went 6 hours without speaking, before I asked him if he was okay. He acted depressed, but secretly I think he was relieved. Our relationship had become more than either one of us had thought it was going to be and we needed to take the easy way out. It has been over a month and I still miss him. I broke down on Saturday night and texted him. He replied immediately, but then I missed his call. I called him back and made the mistake of telling him on his answering machine that I missed him. I haven't heard from him since.
My vices are my own fault. However, it does not make it any easier to live with them. Ultimately, I am trying to be the leading lady in my own life, but a lot of the time I feel like I fall short. If not to others, but to myself. I have so many personal goals that no matter what I do I can't satisfy myself. I am looking for the answers to my questions, but when I find the answers I am disappointed in their complexity and simplicity. I am a walking oxy-moron. I want so much and only what I do not have. When I have something I take it for granted. For the most part, I just ramble along and hope that something makes sense. If not to anyone else, but myself.
As long as I have shopping and music to get me through, I know I will be okay. In the meantime, I will have to keep going to skill with no major and a low paying job, that provides me with an imaginative insight into the minds of 3 year olds, that remind me what matters in life. So, until next time, I'm off to work. I'll put on my Uggs, brave the snow in my driveway, and keep going.
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