Tonight I'm crying slow, unstoppable, heart breaking tears.I just miss her so much my skin feels like it's bleeding. I never knew how much she meant to me until she died, but a part of me died with her on December 18. Sometimes the grief is so unbearable I can't breathe. I remember this feeling all too well, which only makes the tears fall harder and faster. There is nothing like grief and there is nothing like letting yourself feel. I hate this.
I was brutally honest with Big tonight when he tried to call, multiple times. We were texting and all of a sudden I stopped replying. He knows me too well to know I wasn't okay.
I heard that song again, by none other than Toby Keith. He was the last concert we went to together and his new song describes my loss and our relationship perfectly.
I want to feel brave enough to call her number and see if her voice is on the answering machine. I'm terrified. It's been this long and I haven't... how could I now? Will it still be there? And do I really need to hear her voice on the phone again when it's the only thing I ever hear anymore?
Sometimes, I think I'm going crazy. I see her, feel her, and even smell her. I can feel her hair as I tug on it and tell her to grow it out. I can feel her hand brush up against mine as we walk, because neither one of us can walk in a straight line. I want to be able to push her, because she's said something stupid. Most of all, I want to hear her say "Jess". She was the only way that made it sound different. She was more than just my best friend, she was my family. I never thought I would have to live without her.
I'm kicking myself over and over again for being so selfish. All I talked about in our last conversations was Mr. Big. He consumed my life and thus, consumed everyone else's lives, that crossed my path. He's still doing this and I can't help, but feel like she's brought him back to me, because she knew how much I needed him right now.
I can't describe the relationships that I have with the different people in my life right now, but all I know is that they all mean something very substantial and worth while. Every person in my life is breaking my heart in a thousand, million different pieces every time they say 'hello' right now. I can't help it and all I want to do is throw my arms around everyone I love and tell them as many times a day as possible, how much I love them. Even complete strangers are becoming more important to me. I'm making eye contact with every soul and all fear I've had in the past is gone.
I have to live for both of us now.
Toby Keith, Wayman's Song Lyrics
Got the news on Friday morning
But a tear I couldnt find
You should me how I am supposed to live
Now you should me how to die
I was lost til Sunday morning
I woke up to face my fear
While writing you this good bye song I found a tear
Im going to miss that smile
Im going to miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
Id do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
Cause thats right where you want to be
Im not cryin cause I feel so sorry for you
I am cryin for me
I got up and dialed your number
Your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I have heard a thousand times
It just said, sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and god bless
I know that you think I am crazy
But I just had to hear your voice I guess
Im going to miss that smile
Im going to miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
Id do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
Cause thats right where you want to be
Im not cryin cause I feel so sorry for you
I am cryin for me
Oh
So play your upsidedown, left handed
Backward bass guitar
Ill see you on the other side superstar
Im going to miss that smile
Im going to miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
Id do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
Cause thats right where you want to be
Im not cryin cause I feel so sorry for you
I am cryin for me
Im still cryin
Im cryin for me
Oh
Im still cryin
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