Dear Ashley

Dear Ashley -

I'm writing to you like your still here. As if your just on vacation and I must write you letters, in order to stay connected. So here it goes...
Yesterday was the first day of spring semester junior year in college. You should have been there and we should have gone to lunch. I wanted to ask you during my first class if you had ever had my professor - he loved geology. I wanted you to meet him and to get excited for the class.
Chris was in my english class. I hadn't seen him since the last time we all went to dinner. I hadn't talked to him since you left. We awkwardly hugged and small talked. I wanted to tell you. The class was intense. We were supposed to introduce ourselves and our favorite books. I went second and forgot to make myself sound smart... I needed you.
Spanish was ridiculous. The teacher walked in and spoke nothing but spanish. He made the entire class leave, in order to go take placement tests when no one knew what he was saying. I failed. I have to take a lower class - the one I already took. It's been too long. Two years made such a difference without speaking the language. I'm disappointed in myself.
Work was long. Vivian left me alone with the kids again and they drove me nuts. I had, had such a long day I just wanted to go home.
We went out to dinner and I kept looking for you. You never went with us there, but I kept thinking I would run into you. And then I remembered.
When I cam home I checked email and realized that Scott had broken off the engagement. He is now listed as 'it's complicated'. I wanna talk to him so bad, but I know he needs to come to me first. I keep telling myself to remember '500 Days of Summer'. I'm not really in love with him, just what I have made him in my mind to be. I still feel a little glimmer of hope. Maybe he'll move here for me. Maybe we'll end up together in the end. Maybe we're not over yet. There is still a possibility he is my big. I need you to look at me, shake your head, and say 'Jess' the way you did that made me realize what I was saying aloud was stupid. I need you to reel me back in.
I found a class that I could substitute for spanish for now... It's some introduction to architecture, which turned out to be a class talking about advertising and electronics. It's online.
I have my guitar class today. I should be excited, but really I am a little nervous. I'm afraid they are going to be those music people you know I have no patience for. I should be one of those people, but I'm not. I don't know why.

I miss you and I am so mad at you that you left. Why did you have to die? It's been a month and two days. I can't breathe. I'm sorry I didn't remember to spend more time with you and not take you for granted. I knew better. I should have done more. I pretend like your with me now. Like I'm not alone all the time and your sitting with me. I'm not sure if you really are or if I have made it all up in my head.

I love you. Goodbye.